Get down off that smokestack and cook that ugly thing

This post is inspired by my little sister. I have a lot of respect for her. She inspires happiness, and guess what buster brown, this post is about being happy. Don't worry about the title. It's an inside joke. Ill get to it later.

You wanna be happy? Well I have the key to happiness. But before I give it to you, lets talk about some of the things that do not bring happiness. The stuff that is mass produced, publicly broadcasted, and practically force-fed to us on a daily basis.

        Praise. Good god, I get it, we all like to be praised. I'll be the first person to admit (I usually am. I find it very cathartic to divulge personal admissions and shortcomings. Try it.) that I am a whore for praise. I fish for it shamelessly and admit that I'm doing so in the moment. My wife thinks its silly because it is. Why do we need to feel accepted and welcome? Why do we spend hours on social media reading comments and posting pictures? Being recognized feels so good but is it necessary to be happy? 

Its tricky. See we don't need praise to be happy, but even as I type that, I cringe. It is so damn hard to let go of the notion that I don't need approval to be happy. It feels SO good, but alas, you shouldn't depend on it. The only praise that you need is your own. You do not need outside recognition for you to be happy. If you have that need habit, like I do, you are literally asking for someone else's approval to be happy. Imagine if I came home from work one day and asked my wife, "Hey can I be happy tonight?" Or even worse: "Hey can you make me happy tonight?"

That is emotional abuse. But we don't see it that way when we do it because we use sneakier wording and we justify it in our "time of need." We may puff our chests, and point to our job-well-done, hoping for some unspoken and mentally imagined response, only to be let down when we don't get it. Get over yourself. 

I will add a note saying that it is wonderful to feel praised, wanted, loved, and needed. So remember that and give it freely. Giving it is a good start down the path of happiness. 

        Reconciliation. This point is brought to you by recent events in my personal life. Sometimes we feel like we cannot move forward without forgiveness and restitution. That is a lie. You both can and must. 

Two sides to this point: others seeking your forgiveness and you seeking theirs. Firstly, your happiness should in no way depend on someone's apology. That is (are you sensing a theme yet?) emotional piracy. DON'T place your own self fulfillment and joy in the hands of another because you WILL be disappointed. 

I have been wronged before. And I have used the words: "You need to say sorry because my feelings are hurt." Yucky yucky yucky. Insert barf emoji here. While it is important to air grievances for mental health, and communication purposes (see future post on communication) you do not have to and can not force someone to see your perspective. I have put myself in the position of requiring an "I'm sorry" before my happiness was restored. I hope that I never make that mistake again.

The other side of the coin is obtaining forgiveness. Let me clarify: while righting past wrongs is appropriate, once you have done your part, move on. Don't got bogged down by mistakes. And NEVER EVER attempt restitution on some else's terms. If they say; "If you are sorry then you will..." screeeeech, halt right there. It is meaningless and therefore worthless to make restitution because you are being asked to. Don't feel the need to go confess to clergy. Don't say 6 "Hail Mary's." You only feel better after these wrote tasks because they tell you that you need to do them to feel better (Manipulation 101).  This practice of manipulation is centered on power and guilt. Power, in that they hold the key to your forgiveness (and in reality happiness). And I'll just say it: guilting someone to action after they have made an error is evil. Flat out. Period. You wont change my mind. If someone claims guilt is a necessary step in reconciliation, run away.  

Instead try doing what feels right. Reject guilt and instead be grateful that you recognized the error in the first place and now have a chance to grow. Most importantly, love yourself enough to accept your own mistakes. I recently wrote a letter in which I took full ownership of my shortcomings. But I painted the picture on my terms. My debilities are mine. I accept them as who I am. I am working on being a better person and I will not apologize for that.

        Organized Religion. I know I know. I can hear your eyes rolling through the screen. But hear me out. It is my take on this. Please feel free to comment below. 

Organized religion is a well-intentioned cataclysm that sucks in the needy while waving the flag of grandiose promises. Hang with me, because I will defend spirituality and religion. As you are now starting to see, allowing others to dictate your happiness is going to lead you to a joyless dead end. After half of a lifetime in organized religion I can say that the structure, rules, and one-size-fits-all stylings of organized religion leads to a majority (that's right I said majority) that become disaffected, stagnant, and joyless. (The term P.I.M.O [physically in mentally out] as a member of a congregation is applicable here.)  

The problem (and I could go on and on) is that they are trying to apply your happiness to their formula. But the problem is that we are all individuals with different needs, psyches, and emotions. Much of organized religion isn't even about your happiness and well-being but rather busywork, memorization, and even monetary indulgences. These organizations sell this model to you at the end of the day as happiness. And at any point if they sense you straying, or if you voice concern that it isn't working, they will remind you to just keep trying the formula. Do it more, try harder, keep beating your head against the wall with an assured promise of happiness one day, even if it isn't until the next life. 

Have I lost you yet? No? I hope not. Look I think that spirituality is absolutely vital to happiness. And to some, the structure of organized religion is great. If that fills your needs, I applaud you for having found your missing puzzle piece. But do not expect a random store bought pre-sized cookie cutter shape set of rules to be the skeleton key to your happiness. If you try that approach, you'll find yourself having to bend to fit it's needs, and that is just not happiness. 

Explore your spirituality. Take part in as much as you can. Experiment. Take the parts that work and run with them, but remember: be open to new ideas. Just because you found a solution, doesn't mean that there isn't a better fit. You are a constantly evolving individual and your needs change. So quit trying to the same approach and experiment. At worst, you'll find something that doesn't work and at best, you may unlock a deeper happiness. I know I have. 

        The Key. Look you are as blind as the bat that gave us COVID if you can't guess the key at this point. But I'll spell it out, because someone had to for me, for which I am grateful. YOU. You are the key to your own happiness. You are your own master and commander on the tumultuous sea of life. You cannot control what happens to you, you cannot avoid the pitfalls and the disappointments of life. But you can choose how you respond. You can choose to be happy. Do not let others dictate your happiness. Don't give them the power!! At the end of the day, you have the power to absorb the good, reject and learn from the bad and live a joyful life. 

 It is hard to choose happiness. Some have mental disabilities that prove to be tricky obstacles, others have maladies that are a result of just plain bad luck. I personally suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. But I can tell you that no matter what, you are in control of you. In the middle of an anxiety attack or even a physically debilitating panic attack, taking a moment of mindfulness to acknowledge that regardless of my current state, I can choose how I REACT to the situation that I am in gives me the hope that helps me pull out of the tailspin that I feel must signal my impending doom. 

Its not an overnight process. Learning to be happy is just that: a learning experience. Be kind to yourself. Allow room for error. But most importantly: Try. Just do your best. Be active in your own happiness. That is what the title is referencing. Instead of sitting on top of a smokestack all day, get down, stop moping, and cook yourself up a life full o' happiness, because regardless of what anyone tells you, (even yourself) you've got this.