Sympathy vs Empathy

If you know me, then it is likely that we have discussed empathy at one point or another. Empathy is one of my favorite subjects.  I'm not entirely sure where the proclivity for empathy arose, nor am I certain why I enjoy discussing it so much.  But I am willing to bet that through the course of writing this post, I will gain new perspective on the matter, and perhaps that is what founded my penchant in the first place. 

What is empathy?  Empathy is prioritizing others over yourself--even if just for a moment--to gain perspective.  It is an unfortunate animalistic trait, that our nature drives us constantly inward.  I see empathy as a break against our innate selfish mentality, a rebellious tangent, perpendicular to grain of human nature (read that again). And empathy--importantly so--is a choice. 

Why choose empathy?  In allusion to the "what" of empathy, sometimes it is just fun to take an unplanned offramp to change up the vista a bit.  But more importantly, it is an absolute necessity for growth and happiness.  Most people are familiar with the quote from Mark Twain:

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, 

and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. 

Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired 

by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime"

                                          -Mark Twain

Think of it this way: empathy is a vacation outside of the mind to visit other perspectives, with no weight limit to the baggage that you return with. 

A common misconception to empathy is that you have to agree with the mindset of others.  Or even that you have to sympathize with it.  You do not.  Sympathy is understanding the suffering of others, whereas empathy is experiencing the feelings of others.  Sympathy acknowledges another's circumstance whereas empathy finds similar personal experiences.  Sympathy is about recognition and empathy is about emotion. In short, empathy is much more difficult than sympathy. 

Lets look at another of my favorite quotes, but first a background. In Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, a reanimated corpse learns the nuances of being "alive," and being alive. At one point, the monster is lamenting the fact that he has learned that he is ugly and hated.  Once learned, it cannot be unlearned and thus the quote:

"I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all.

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine

and rage the likes of which you would not believe.

If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."

                                    -Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

If we apply the differences between sympathy and empathy that I outlined above, we realize that the monster wanted recognition and acknowledgement.  If you are not familiar with the story, he does not gain said sympathy, and ends up indulging his rage.  At the end of the book, after his creator has fled and died in the process, the monster visits his creator and laments his mistakes before killing himself. 

The book is explicitly written to evoke sympathy from the reader for a murderous monster.  The reader is supposed to say: "I understand.  That sucks.  Poor guy."  Contrast that with empathy, where not a word is spoken but the reader sits in silence, weeping with the monster for his twisted existence. The monster demanded sympathy, but in the end needed empathy.  It's not enough to be sorry for someone's pain, we must feel it to empathize. 

How then, can we empathize without agreeing?  I stated above that one doesn't need to agree to empathize.  I stand by this point.  Empathy is a skill.  Allowing emotion to pervade your shell and entwine with your essence is scary.  It is why we often prefer to choose sympathy--for the little required effort on our part.  Learning how to lower your walls and mourn with the mournful comes with a silver lining though; lowering your walls gives you a front-row seat to the good as well as the bad. 

Imagine a pie sitting in the windowsill, with a comic-like tendril of steam wafting through the yard.  Now imagine that the entire subdivision has been baking pies with fans placed behind them.  This is how I imagine empathy in my mind.  Many of the smells that invade your nostrils may be unpleasant but the pleasant ones make it all worth it.  Being happy is so much easier to do on a team than alone.

At the end of the day, the "why" of empathy is to understand.  With understanding, we gain perspective and can more appropriately respond to a situation.  Ironically, beginning with empathy allows us to better sympathize.  Empathy raises social IQ scores, and constructs a positive and helpful dynamic.  People may (or may not) be drawn to empaths, thanks to an environment where their emotions are understood. 

In closing, lets build the puzzle of humanity.  Lets all connect instead of acknowledging.  I can promise the readers this: an empathetic bond is unbreakable.  Once you have lived and shared the emotion of another human, you will never again look at them with the same eyes as before.  And if we are all being honest, who doesn't want to see a puzzle finished?