Communication

 Lets talk. Seriously lets talk. Because the only way that you are going to succeed is by honing your communication skills. Too often the bridge between what we think and what we convey becomes disconnected and the result is deleterious to our relationships.

In my experience, communicating is less about what you are trying to say and more about who you are talking to.  Too often we plow ahead with a clear path laid out in front of us, but the mental image of our direction is only clear in our minds eye. Communication requires groundwork; without preparation, your communication will fall flat. 

And let's just get one thing out of the way that is a pet peeve of mine: there is no such thing as ineffective communication. Don't use that term. I admit I use it sometimes, and it needs to be deleted from my vocabulary. If your communication is ineffective then it isn't communication but rather, imposing yourself in an interaction with little concern for anyone other than yourself. It is selfish and damaging. So lets figure this out.

The first thing that I think about when communicating is what I am feeling. Most communication is driven by our current emotion, and that is where we all often begin to crumble. Upset people shout, anxious people rant, hurt people defend. It is in our instincts to react to any given situation, and our lump of grey matter upstairs convinces us that from the get-go we have the answer, or at least a good starting point from which we may derive the answer. So lets strive to start our communication by taking the emotion out of the equation. Some people choose to take a break or remove themselves from the situation if it is tense or stressful, and I have no problem with that, but the real root of the problem is always solved with empathy. (see future post on empathy)

Imagine what your audience is thinking and feeling and address those issues instead of spewing what is in your head. Remember that when you are communicating, you can only control what you say, not what the other person hears and thinks, so be sure to pay attention to your audience and address their issues, not your own.  Communication can and should be reverse engineered. What is this person feeling and thinking? How will they react to what I am about to say? How would I react to what I am trying to say? Keep these things in mind when trying to effectively convey your thoughts. 

Final thought on the GIVING end of communication: be selfless. Say it how they want to hear it, not how you want them to understand it. It seems like a long way around a simple task, but the better you are understood, the more gratifying your relationships will be.

BUMPER STICKER-Cleanse your palate; you cannot hear if your ears are already stuffed with your own wisdom.    

On the other end, part of being a good communicator is learning how to listen. Ill repeat my earlier sentiment that we almost always approach communication with emotion. This is a classic mistake when listening. 

Too often we hear what we want to hear. We insert our own narrative that fits our current train of thought and twist the words that are being offered to us to match our current emotion. This strategy will purchase you a one-way ticket on a fast-track to poisonous relationships. 

Let me give you an example. If I am hurt by someone and begin a dialogue with them, it is easy to twist any explanation that they may offer me as defensive, disingenuous, or a flat out lie. In turn, I leave this interaction convinced that my original perception and damaged feelings are justified--often more-so than before. So what? Do I congratulate myself for being right? Am I better off now, having driven a wedge deeper into my own hurt feelings? OR perhaps there was something to what this person was trying to communicate with me. Perhaps I wasn't listening because I already knew the answer. Clearly I have damaged myself and the relationship at this point. 

We cannot expect everyone to be on our level of communication. Like I stated earlier, the same concept applies to listening: we are in control of how we perceive things, but what is communicated to us is outside of our control. So maybe we should spend less time worrying about what people said and more time trying to scrape the ice off of our own windshields so that we can more clearly see the road ahead of us. What I'm driving at here is assume the best, reject the worst, and put to bed the feelings. 

Well reader, I hope that my thoughts on communication were of some value to you. I'm a novice communicator and expect I will remain that way until I pass from this life. I make a lot of mistakes, and that is ok. I have my sights set ahead, and I want to be better. Please open a dialogue with me about your thoughts on communication below or message me directly. I'd love to hear from you!!!